your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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