call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
