well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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