People in love make me want to vomit
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
