I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Bring me that man meat
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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