genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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