if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
