her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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