I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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