I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
i believe in u and ur pee
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
