I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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