i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
