it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
