We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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