Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
