I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
