Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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