What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I think people are normalizing furries
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
