He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
