i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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