I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
