I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My vagina is officially offended.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
