You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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