If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
