My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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