Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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