I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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