is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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