Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
