I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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