i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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