woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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