I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
