I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
