Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
