All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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