yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
