hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Randomize
