I just threw up on my dentist
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize