Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
