She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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