This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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