I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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