I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
