Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
