Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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