So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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