Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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