It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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