Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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