My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
that's an acceptable place to lick
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
