i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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