didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
