While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
